Therapy for Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
When your relationships don't follow the usual script
Maybe you're polyamorous, in an open relationship, solo poly, or practicing relationship anarchy. Maybe you're opening up for the first time, or wondering whether monogamy was ever the right fit. Whatever your relationships look like, you deserve a therapist who understands how they work.
Non-monogamy can bring freedom, connection, and joy. It can also stir up some of the most intense feelings people have: jealousy, insecurity, fear of being replaced, guilt, and the strain of caring for more than one relationship at once. Those feelings don't mean you're doing it wrong, or that non-monogamy isn't for you. Often they point to something worth understanding.
If you've been in therapy before, you may have had to explain the basics, or felt your therapist saw your relationship structure as the problem. I approach this work differently. I won't assume non-monogamy is the cause of what you're struggling with, and I won't steer you toward or away from any way of relating. Our work is about helping your relationships, in whatever shape they take, feel more honest, secure, and sustainable.
On this page:
You may recognize some of these experiences
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Jealousy, insecurity, or fear of being replaced that feels bigger than you'd like
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Anxiety on nights when a partner is with someone else
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Opening a relationship, or considering it, and not sure where to start
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Wanting non-monogamy more, or less, than a partner does
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Difficulty negotiating agreements, boundaries, and time
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Balancing attention across relationships, especially when new relationship energy runs high
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Feeling like your needs come last, or like a "secondary"
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Complicated feelings about metamours (your partners' other partners)
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Stigma, secrecy, or deciding whether to come out to family, friends, or at work
How therapy can help
Our work can help you:
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Understand what jealousy and insecurity are protecting, and feel less controlled by them
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Feel more secure in yourself, not only in the rules of your relationships
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Communicate needs, desires, and limits more clearly
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Build agreements that fit everyone involved, and revisit them as things change
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Repair trust when an agreement has been broken
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Decide whether to open a relationship, or not, with more clarity and less pressure
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Work through attachment and trauma patterns that non-monogamy can bring to the surface
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Handle stigma, disclosure, and family reactions with more confidence
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Get clearer on what you actually want from relationships, apart from what you were taught to want
How I work
Therapy with me is active and collaborative. I draw especially on Internal Family Systems (IFS), which I've practiced for almost a decade, along with attachment-based work and DBT skills for the moments when emotions run high. We pay attention both to what's happening in your relationships now and to the older patterns that can make certain moments feel so charged.
When exclusivity isn't what holds a relationship together, security has to come from somewhere else: from how partners show up for each other, and from your relationship with yourself. That's a big part of what we can work on.
Through an IFS lens: parts that often show up
Non-monogamy tends to bring parts of us to the surface. That isn't a sign something is wrong. Often it's a chance to meet parts that have been there all along. These are some that come up often; your system may look different.
When a partner is with someone else
A jealous part watches for signs you're about to lose your partner, replaying details and imagining the worst. Another part tries to manage the fear by asking for more rules, check-ins, or reassurance. Underneath, there's often a young part that knows what it felt like to be left out, replaced, or not chosen. As that part feels cared for, the jealous part tends to soften. Jealousy may still visit, but it doesn't have to run the night.
When you're afraid you're not enough
A comparing part measures you against your partners' other partners: who's more attractive, more interesting, more fun. A critical part takes every comparison as proof. Underneath is often a part that has long believed it has to earn its place. As that belief loosens, a partner's other relationships can stop feeling like a verdict on your worth.
When you agreed to something you're not sure you wanted
A pleasing part may have said yes to opening up, or to an agreement, to avoid conflict or losing someone. A resentful part keeps score, and a guilty part shows up whenever you think about asking for change. Underneath is often a part that learned its needs didn't count. As these parts are heard, it becomes easier to say what you actually want, even when the answer is complicated.
When new love takes over
An excited part pours itself into a new connection, while a guilty part notices the partners who feel less prioritized, and a defensive part bristles when anyone points it out. None of these parts is bad; they're responding to something genuinely exciting. When they work together instead of taking turns, you can enjoy something new without losing track of the relationships that already matter.
When the old scripts speak up
Even if you've chosen non-monogamy with intention, a part of you may still carry the messages you grew up with: that real love is exclusive, that wanting more than one person is selfish, or that your family would be ashamed. Another part may keep your relationships hidden to protect you from judgment. As these parts are heard, you can make choices about privacy and disclosure from a steadier place, rather than from fear or shame.
Underneath all of these, IFS describes a Self: a calm, curious, compassionate presence in everyone. Much of the work is helping your parts trust that it's there, so security can come from inside you as well as from your relationships.
Through a DBT lens: skills for the hardest moments
DBT skills give you something concrete to do when feelings run high.
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When a partner's date night has you spiraling: Paced breathing and other TIPP skills bring intensity down quickly, and distraction and self-soothing help you get through the evening.
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When jealousy says something is wrong: Check the facts helps you separate what you actually know from what fear predicts.
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When the urge is to text, check, or confront right now: Opposite action and riding the wave of the urge help you wait until you can respond the way you want to.
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When an agreement needs renegotiating: DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST help you ask clearly, keep the conversation kind, and hold on to your self-respect.
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When something can't change right now: Radical acceptance helps you stop fighting what's already true, so you can decide what to do next.
What this can look like in practice
Say your partner has a date tonight. You agreed to it, and part of you is genuinely happy for them. But by 9 p.m. you're checking your phone every few minutes, imagining the worst, and drafting a message you know you'll regret.
With DBT, we might start with your body, using paced breathing to bring the intensity down, then build a plan for the evening: something absorbing to do, someone to call, a way to self-soothe. If something about your agreements needs to change, DEAR MAN can help you ask for it the next day instead of at midnight.
With IFS, we'd get curious about the part that's panicking. It might be a young part that remembers being left out or replaced, alongside a protector that believes constant checking will keep disaster away. When the younger part feels seen and less alone, the urge to check often loosens.
Over time, date nights can become ordinary evenings. Some people even find room for compersion: real happiness at a partner's joy with someone else. If that never comes, that's okay too. Feeling secure doesn't require it.
An affirming, nonjudgmental space
You're welcome here whether you're polyamorous, in an open relationship, swinging, solo poly, practicing relationship anarchy, monogamish, or still figuring out what fits. My practice is also LGBTQ+ and trans affirming, and welcoming of clients in kink communities. Whether or not these parts of your life are the reason you're seeking therapy, they're welcome in the room.
Psychotherapy in Chicago, Michigan, and Tokyo
I offer 50-minute individual telehealth sessions for adults in Chicago and Michigan, as well as clients living in Tokyo. Sessions are $150, and eligible Chicago clients may use Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois insurance.
You can view my online calendar and request either a free consultation or an initial therapy session. If you don’t see a time that works for you, you’re still welcome to contact me, as I may have additional or upcoming availability that isn’t shown online.
Frequently asked questions
What do you mean by ethical non-monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also called consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an umbrella term for relationships in which everyone involved knows about and agrees to more than one romantic or sexual connection. Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all forms of it. What sets it apart from infidelity is honesty and consent.
Will you assume non-monogamy is the problem?
No. Non-monogamy can be a healthy, fulfilling way to relate, just as monogamy can. If your relationship structure is part of what you want to look at, we can look at it together. But I won't assume it's the cause of whatever brought you in, and I won't steer you toward or away from it.
Does jealousy mean non-monogamy isn't right for me?
Not necessarily. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and many people in happy non-monogamous relationships still feel it. In therapy, we treat it as information: what is it protecting, and what does it need? Sometimes that leads to changing an agreement, and sometimes to healing something older. Either way, the decision about what's right for you is yours.
My partner wants to open our relationship, and I'm not sure I do. Can you help?
Yes. This is a common place to feel stuck. We can explore what you want, separate from what you think you should want, and what each option would mean for you. You don't have to arrive at any particular answer, and there's no deadline for deciding.
Do I have to be non-monogamous to work with you?
No. You're welcome whether you're curious about non-monogamy, newly opening up, years into polyamory, or monogamous after trying something else.